Beauty in the Struggle…

It’s 4 a.m. and I’m wide awake. This happens a lot lately. I’m thinking I’m going to take a break from writing these. I’m not even sure if people read them and I seem to become more raw each one I write. May be too much for fb. Lol. I titled this one “Beauty in the Struggle”. One of my friends reminds me of that song because she’s walking through a struggle and yet she’s still beautiful. I don’t find much beauty in struggles. If I am being honest. I’d say when I think of a struggle, I think of a struggle bus…which I’m riding shot gun.

I talked to a friend last night about being a fixer. That has been my role of life for as long as I can remember. If it’s broke, I fix it. If you’re broke I fix you. We have hosted our share of broken people at our home throughout the years. Divorce, lost a job, depression, loss of loved ones and the list goes on. I think I’m good at this. Or I was. I mean I rescued my dog for goodness sake (By far the best one yet).I think I deflect off of me so I can help others. Tracy Limes would say that. Trust me I’ve almost worn this trait like a badge. Come to me and I’ll walk you through your hardest moments. I will fix your wardrobe, give you a place to rest and put you back on the road to recovery. I realized tonight you can’t fix everyone. Hard pill to swallow.

I take great pride in my judgment. Not that I’ve never been off. Just I’ve only been off in my judgement twice in my life on big things. (I’m not talking a little off either.) Trust me, I’ve made terrible choices in life at some point and that is something we can all say. We’ve all thought people were one way and then find out another but honestly.. they will give you enough signs so that you really aren’t surprised. TWICE. Two times in 47 years. Where it’s been a knee jerk ,knock me on my face, never saw it coming kind. Really not bad for my age. But let me tell you that my friends, is a struggle all in itself.

I’ve probably also only written a hand full of letters to people.(Random.)I feel like I’m writing a real memoir tonight Each one I knew it was God because I didn’t want to give it to them and God wouldn’t let up until I did. Each time it ended up being the right time because I chose to listen. I don’t write those anymore. I guess maybe these blogs are now my letters. I always have people reach out and tell me this or that blog was for them. So perhaps this is for someone like me..

I encourage you…if you’re going through a struggle, find some good people. Look for them. Pray for God to drop them in your path. Maybe your struggle is your kids, or a job. Maybe your relationship or your health. There are always people waiting to help. I had a friend text me after her hair appointment Saturday because she was aware something was off with me. There it is!!!!! This very well may be the beauty in the struggle. That people sense it when you’re not yourself. My oldest child is the one who will get this blessing/curse from me. She is a fixer and helper. She loves big and doesn’t know how not to help others. Sometimes I worry about who’s helping her. She journals a lot and is so in tune with others. Even adults. She sees their struggle.

I guess I finally learned tonight you can’t fix everything and everyone. Not my job. I’ve given it a good run but no one asked me to take on this. It is sooo rewarding at times but it also robs you of peace. It steals your joy. It creates heartache. I can blog all day about the good in loving and helping people but there’s bad times too. Sometimes when you are finished helping they move on. They don’t come back. You have served the purpose. That leaves a fixer empty. What to do next? Find another person. Clean out a closet. Work on yourself. Please.. I find another person. 😁 Maybe tonight I am just a little broken and tired…

Tired of the effort. Tired of the struggle. But then…. I post something random this Sunday in the am. I literally took it down immediately. Within hours, 3 different people reach out. It wasn’t a cry for help. It also probably wasn’t my most positive post I’ve put up either. Then and there I realized those are “my fixers”. They are there just for me. One shared something so personal that really resonated with me. Then another.. because not everyone needs you. Sometimes you need them. They are placed in your world for a season such as this. I have the best group of friends around me. They are solid. But I’ll tell you when it’s from someone who you least expect it’s wonderful. So perhaps I am driving the bus tonight. Maybe I’ve been riding for a while. But if you are.. I’m here for it. I got you… send me a message. I’ll pray for you. I’ll help you find your worth. Or send you to someone who can.(I have lots of friends who are therapist) Even if I can’t,

I hope you still know you’re enough. You are remarkable. You are broken and maybe a mess but you are still worth it. Thank you sweet people who reached out. Love you big!!! And maybe I’ve learned over the last two days… there is beauty in the struggle after all.

Side note: Please know I’m not on the ledge. It’s ok to not have it all together. To not be the perfect person on Facebook. Nobody is. We are all doing our best. Just want people to know it’s ok to not always be ok. Tomorrow is a new day. That’s all ❤️