Remarkable….

I’m not sure why I always feel the need to write at 4 in the morning. I would say this has been brewing for a good month now. Oh but today was the day I’d write it.

I decided after our trip to Savannah that Callie didn’t get a lot of friend time on the trip. So I thought what a better place to go in a pandemic then an indoor water park. So with Callie and her 3 friends plus my oldest and her friend we made the trek to the “cleanest and most mask wearing water park ever”. Every turn there were sanitizing stations, they were cleaning and doing it way better then anywhere I’ve been.(Plus it wasn’t as crowded and only 80% of the stuff open) So we get situated and I sit there while Callie is freaking out about the high slides and I’m saying to her the only way to get over your fear is to confront it. She said “You are mean” and went off and then I thought.. wow you just told her something to do that you’re not good at. Infact I suck at it. Confrontation is not my strong suit. If you only know me on the surface, this is hard to believe but if you’re in my “ inner circle” this is spot on. Now I’m not gonna let you be mean to my family, friends, coworkers, or especially my children but you can walk over me on any given day. That’s a hard and sad sentence to write.

I think we have these moments of clarity at different points in our lives. Spiritually mine was at 26. Physically probably 25 and 42. Mentally maybe still working on…and I’m 46. So I say big moments lead up to big epiphanies. Like for me traveling to a water park as the only adult did it for me. I started thinking a few weeks back about how I allow people to treat me or see me. People will only put on you what you allow them to… thank you ,Tracy Limes. I am not saying I’m some beat down woman who is just broken but I am saying somewhere along the way I forgot I was remarkable. What a glorious word!! Yep I am 46.. not at my best playing weight, can’t see anymore, have become socially awkward, I like to cuss on occasions, but beneath ALL that I’m remarkable. Wow. Funny thing is some of you reading this don’t believe I am for one minute but you are too. Even if I don’t believe it.

I knew I give a lot of myself to those I love. In friendships, relationships and in my work. If I love you it’s big and no small gesture or sentence will do. I just realized that I deserved to have it back too. So tonight I went to get the girls Zaxby’s and it was a full 15 minute drive there. Then the line was out of control. So I started watching this car in front of me. A broke down mustang that the 20 year old worked on the entire time we were in the drive thru. Then here it comes…”the song” playing on the radio…insert tears. It’s called “She used to be mine”. I heard it years ago at a broadway production called “The Waitress”. I downloaded it and on occasions it plays but it hasn’t in a long time. Coincidence? Maybe. I think not. There’s a section of the song where the words says

“It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl

She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine”

Wow. Where did that girl go? I love the end of the song. Yes some will go download it. You’re welcome. She realizes that she is tougher then what she gives herself credit. All the while I’m just crying in the Zaxby’s drive thru. When I get to the window the lady said “Ma’am, that car in front of you paid for your meal.” I said “No..it was close to 50 dollars.” (Feeding 6 at Zaxby’s ain’t cheap) She said “He wanted to. Oh and you have to pull up beside him to wait for your order.” Ok so now this 20 something kid who had to stop 3/4 times to put water in his overheating car has not only caught my meal but a big one. I pulled up beside him and I said “thank you sooo much for doing that.” He said “We just wanted to help you out. Are you ok?” I was a mess. There’s a lost generation out there but some mom and dad did good on him. Instead of getting in trouble, he’s paying for a middle aged cry baby at Zaxby’s. In that moment I realized he was remarkable too.

Who made us forget we were? Was it our job, the media, our rush through life. When it was right there. I’m not perfect but I damn sure am remarkable. I may even tattoo it to remind me. Maybe you should too. Or get you a bracelet saying “ I’m enough” or write it on your hand “this girl is on fire”(or guy) whatever it takes to make you remember that, do it. Doesn’t mean you’ll be walking down the street playing Alicia Keys owning it but you could. Doesn’t mean you don’t have a sea of faults. Lord help us on mine. It just reminds you that if you could list them all out and some of your “Fakebook” friends could add to the list.. even with all that you are remarkable. Remember what you bring to the table. Know you have faults but you also have a heart that’s as big as Texas or you’re a great cook for those who are hurting(not me). You don’t need anyone to tell you how great you are. You just have to remember. I did apologize to someone today for my delivery. It wasn’t their fault that I didn’t realize it. It was mine.

So my dimestore advice is look in the mirror or whatever you have to do and remind yourself of all the great things you bring to the table. Don’t get hung up on past defeats or failures. Don’t let anyone steal your joy and don’t let anyone criticize you for being you. Be loud, love big, give love and compliments freely. Call people and check on them. Tell them you miss them. Tell them they are remarkable. Or listen to that song in Zaxby’s drive thru and find out for yourself. Either way never stop being you. Just don’t lose her in the process of loving and giving. Keep fueling your tank. Make sure you remember that girl from years ago is still in there. Oh and don’t be so hard on people. Because my faith was renewed tonight. With a small gesture by a young man. This world is not completely lost. Still some good left out there. In the mean time go be remarkable today…tomorrow and if you forget come back and read this because you are !! Own it! Thanks for reading this far. Is was a lot but it’s my most favorite I’ve ever written.